


Guardian

by NowThatsDedication



Series: Two Sides of a Soul [2]
Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Grief, Loss of family members, kind of a happy ending?, unlce and nephew relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-19
Updated: 2016-03-19
Packaged: 2018-05-27 18:15:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6294670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NowThatsDedication/pseuds/NowThatsDedication
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The hardest fight does not involve weapons or war - it is letting go of your past and believing in your future.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Guardian

“Kee, what were you thinking, acting like that!? You embarrassed me in front of the whole court!”

“Sooooorry!” He possesses only the slightest remorse. It is not his fault he was dragged along to a boring meeting. Apparently, he is no longer trusted to be alone.

“You didn't mean that! I expect an honest apology...please.”

“Make me!” Kee invites a challenge with a flick of his tongue and a mischievous grin.

Fíli crosses his arms. “I'm serious.”

“I'm sorry, Uncle Fíli, I won't do it again,” the dark haired child sighs and repeats with half-hearted sincerity. He knows there are no consequences. His uncle never follows through with them.

“Thank you. Now go to your room and think about-”

“I AM in my room!” he counters. “I'm ALWAYS in my room.”

“Right. Umm...then stay here and I want a full explanation for your behavior when I get back.”

“Uh huh,” he pouts.

Fíli rests a hand on his shoulder, but he flinches and wriggles away from the touch. He has seen that scowl before. Before….

“Come on, Kee. Be good,” he pleads. Maybe this time he will listen.

Kee waits for his uncle to shut the door, then stomps his feet in frustration. Not again!

Not again. Fíli runs a hand through his beard and groans. _What am I going to do with him?_

Lately, his nephew has been a terror. Kee is rebelling and Fíli cannot figure out why. He is safe, he is comfortable, perhaps a little spoiled. He is loved. What is missing? Besides the obvious; Fíli knows all too well what is missing from both their lives.

*****

After it happened, Fíli gave up. With nothing to fight for, nothing to live for, was there reason to go on?

He did not sleep. Every time he closed his eyes he saw his brother’s face. Not as he wished to remember it, full of life and warmth, but cast in shadow and spattered with blood.

He lie awake until his eyes burned and blamed himself, asked the questions over and over again. _What did I do wrong? What should I have done differently? Why?_

At least he could control those thoughts. The nightmares that slipped into his unconscious mind were worse. An endless flow of deep crimson would spread across the white-dusted ground. It was always too late, no matter how fast he ran. Fíli would jolt awake, paralyzed with fear and despair, as if a boulder was placed on his chest. It was better not to sleep. It was a punishment.

Fíli gave up. It was as if both of them had been lost. No heirs survived. Yet one didn't have the foresight to fall on the battlefield and haunted the halls under the mountain instead. “Such a tragedy,” was uttered at every mention of Fíli’s name. “Such a shame.”

Fíli spent his days and nights hidden away, subsiding on guilt and broken dreams. No one could see him cry in the dark. No one was able to put a hand on his shoulder and share hollow sentiments like “there is still much to live for,” or “it wasn’t your fault” that he did not believe. It was over. He had failed.

When the first stream of weary travelers from Ered Luin arrived, there was one in particular who drew the attention of the new kingdom.

Thorin called for Fíli, and unknowingly pulled him out of the darkness. "You need to see this."

It was Kíli's red haired girl, the one he had been sweet on for months before they left. Before their lives ended. Fíli could not bother to remember her name now, after all that happened. What did she want? An explanation? He is gone and it cannot be fixed.

"My sympathies," she bowed her head. "We heard not long after it happened, and I vowed to get here as soon as I could. I only wish it was sooner.” She was interrupted by a gentle mewling which emanated from the basket she carried.

 _It cannot be_. Fíli peered in and was greeted by his brother’s soft brown eyes. _Oh, Kíli. You_ _idiot_.

“I...I don't know what to...to say. Your...child is…he….” He blinked away stubborn tears that were determined to fall.

It was absurd, all of it. If only they had known. He would have forced Kíli to stay. _How_ _could I_ _have saved him?_

“My loss is not as great as yours, I know. I cared about him, though, I did. Very much. But...none of this was supposed to happen.”

“No, it was not.”

She presented the squirming bundle like a coffer of jewels. “Would you like to hold him?”

Fíli hesitated, afraid of his reaction.

“Would you like to hold your nephew,” she repeated.

“Y-yes. My nephew.” In that moment, his heart began to thaw. _My nephew. My_ _brother’s_ _son_. My _brother_ ….

His vision blurred as the baby grabbed hold of a hanging braid and tugged.

“Ouch!” he smiled, the first time since...before.

“Careful, he's a strong one.”

“To have made such a long journey, he must be.”

“I named him Kíli.”

There could never be another Kíli. “Kee...may I call you Kee, little one?” It seemed fitting, a tiny name for a tiny version of him.

Fíli was overcome with emotions, both painful and hopeful. He was ready to hand Kee back, to sort it all out in his head, but he kicked and fussed, on the verge of an outburst.

“Shhhhh, no no no, don't cry.” He swayed him until he calmed. Fíli held his brother like this, when he was this small. He would tell him not to cry. He told him many things...

“No harm will ever come to you. Not as long as I am here.”  
  
_I_ _can fix this. I was a failure as a brother_ , _but I will not make the same mistake._

Fíli no longer had time to mourn or feel sorry for himself. He had a job to do. A purpose. To protect his nephew. To make things right.

*****

There was life after death, Kee was testament to that. Fíli was alive again. A part of Kíli was, too. Another chance.

Kee was a salve over a wounded heart, but beneath the surface, beneath the love, was a hidden fear; the fear of losing him again. It engulfed Fíli like flames. And it grew as fast as Kee did. He would have to be extra careful, to keep him safe. To keep both of them safe.

Fíli fell into his new role with ease. He was often seen strolling around the halls with Kee strapped to his back, taking the place of his prized blades.

“Look at that! Caring for him like a father!” they would praise.

“I am NOT his father,” Fíli would reply with indignation. “He will know all about his father one day. He is my nephew, I claim no other title to him.” _He is my whole_ _life_.

“It's sweet, just the same. Cute little lad,” they scurried away; approaching Kee too quickly or too coarsely would elicit a fierce response from his overprotective uncle.

Kee had already taught Fíli how to love again, and he could not wait to return the favor. He would teach him how to make good decisions, think for himself, be fair and just. But he would not teach him how to fight. Or scout, or hunt, or any dangerous skill. If it was up to Fíli, his nephew would never step foot outside the mountain. If only he had done the same for his brother.

It was easy back then, when he could hold Kee close, when he sat in the crook of Fíli’s arm listening to stories he could not understand yet.

“Your father had the best aim, though I would not admit it at the time. He could boast for days, and I didn't want to get him going. Anyway, he could fire an arrow clear across the river and always hit his mark. The river...that's back where we grew up. Maybe one day I will take you to see it….”

And Kee would fall asleep with his head on his uncle’s chest, light snores and slight twitches and fluttering eyelids. Fíli remained vigilant through the night, to chase away bad dreams that might threaten him. They spared Kee, but still came for Fíli. He would reach for them - sometimes it was his brother, other times it was his nephew. They were out of reach, always.

Fíli was advised to stop carrying Kee. “Put the lad down! Let him learn to use his legs!” But Fíli knew the safest place was in his arms. He would not let go. Let them scoff, Fíli thought. Did they have any idea what could happen if you are not careful? Could a heart take that again? There were far more heavier burdens to carry than a little dwarfling.

Kee developed a powerful personality: intense, spirited, headstrong, and mischievous. His temperament was that of his father, strangely enough, and much to Fíli’s delight - and concern. What if he was just as reckless?

When Kee began walking, it became a challenge to keep him out of danger. He was exceptionally curious and sought out trouble like it was his destiny. He was quick and prone to wandering; able to disappear around a corner in less than a blink of an eye. That is all it took, Fíli knew. One moment.

Fíli could not be everywhere at once, though he tried. In one swift lapse of alertness, Kee managed to prick his finger on one of Fíli’s knives. It was only a small cut. Kee cried, stuck his hand in his mouth, and recovered in minutes, distracted by less painful objects to grab. His uncle took it much worse. From that day on, Fíli never carried a blade on him. It was too dangerous. He went further by hiding all sharp and potentially harmful items from Kee, despite his growing fascination with them.

Then came the incident with the unexpected game of hide and seek, executed a little too well by Kee. Fíli was sent into a breathless panic. He turned his back for a moment, only a moment. _That is all it takes. Did you_ _not_ _learn_?

He imagined the horrific scenarios. Kee lost and frightened, calling for him. Injured from falling rocks in the mine. His little body sprawled at the base of a staircase. Or lying in the snow, half-closed eyes toward the sky, his life spilling out of him, onto the ground. _No. No. It will not_ _happen_ _again_.

He was about to dispatch the search party when Kee scampered out with a smile. “You couldn't find me, uncle!”

“Don’t ever do that again!” Fíli snapped.

“I was just playing!” Kee extended his arms for a hug but Fíli grabbed him by the shoulders. He wanted to shake sense into him. He wanted to hold him tight and never let go.

“It's not funny! Do you understand what you put me through, when you do that?” _What it reminds_ _me_ _of_?

“I didn't mean to.” Kee was confused. Usually uncle enjoyed his playfulness. But not this time. He was angry and Kee could not understand why.

“Do not stray from my sight. I will not lose you again!”

When Kee began to question every sensible decision Fíli made for him, it became even harder to keep him safe.

“Why?”

“Because I said so. This is how it has to be.”

“But _why_?”

He doesn’t realize it is for his own good, Fíli reasons. Better a long, quiet life than a reckless one cut down too soon.

One day, Fíli discovered Kee wearing an old battle helmet he found. Even worse, Kee had made his own bow. He pulled apart pieces of his bed to do so.

“No, Kee! That is too dangerous,” He confiscated the crude weapon, practically ripping it from his hands.

“But you told me he-”

“There is no NEED to have this. And take that off,” he pointed to the too-large helmet sliding down Kee’s head, “you’ll hurt yourself!”

“I thought it's supposed to protect you?”

“Don’t argue, hand it over. You have no reason to ever wear such a thing.”

Kee reluctantly obeyed, his hard work and enthusiasm wasted.

“You need something more suitable for...say, do you want to learn to play the fiddle? Your father did.” That was a lie - he quit after three lessons.

“No uncle, not really. But...”

“But what?

“I want...my father went on _adventures_ ,” his dark eyes widened.

“Yes, he did.”

“Can I?”

“You can have plenty of adventures right here.”

“I don't think so.”

“Kee, the world is dangerous. Trust me when I tell you that. I know.”

“So not even a little one?”

“Listen to me...they are pointless. Nothing good comes from them.”

Kee stared at his feet, dejected. How can he ever live up to his father’s legacy? He was a hero, uncle and everyone else told him so. Kee was not even allowed to _pretend_ to emulate him.

“Look, you can do whatever you like as long as you stay out of danger,” Fíli patted his head.  
That did not leave Kee with many options. And danger was a tempting word.

Fearing more boredom-induced weapon building, Fíli arranged for Kee to spend time with other children - but only if he supervised. Predictably, these playmates did not last long. It was near impossible to pass Fíli’s strict standards.

“They are too rough. Bad influences, anyway.”

“But I had fun!”

“It’s always fun until we get hurt, Kee.”

“I wish I had a brother to play with.”

It was a dagger to Fíli’s heart. “I know.”

*****

It has taken a turn for the worse. Nothing seems to work. Every step is a misstep. Every act of defiance is a battle.

Fíli is afraid. He needs control, in order to keep Kee safe, to keep himself safe. The more Fíli tightens the reins, the harder Kee fights back. And Fíli’s fear, the one he struggles to suppress each day, grows stronger. It is a cycle neither of them wants to be part of.

Fíli watches Kee chew his food at every meal (“That stew is hot! You'll burn your mouth”), denying him independence even at suppertime.

Fíli bundles him up in extra blankets at night (“There's a chill in the air”), even in summer, so that he can barely move. Smothered. Trapped.

Kee’s hand is held tight, wherever he goes (“Stay close! Do not let go, you might fall”). But it is good to fall. You learn how to get up again. Fíli has forgotten this.

Kee has never known the burn of a scraped knee, a bump on the head, the bittersweet lessons from your own mistakes.

Fíli treats him as if he was made of glass and will crack at the slightest movement. But it is Fíli who is fragile, who can shatter at any time.

*****

Fíli has given Kee more than enough time to reflect on today’s misconduct.

He hopes to see an apologetic and calm Kee, possessing a solution to his poor behavior.

Instead, Fíli opens the door to find ripped up books scattered about the room, pages fluttering about like dying birds.

Kee has rolled the paper, fashioning it into pointy arrow-like contraptions, which he flings like darts at the wall.

“Kee! What are you doing?!”

"I was bored."

“You destroyed all of the...these were passed down for generations!” He picks up a tattered leaf of ancient Durin history, then tosses it in frustration. His patience is stretched to the limit.

“Why are you acting up like this, Kee? You can talk to me. What is it?”

“Well, you never let me play with REAL arrows...”

“Because they are not toys!”

“But everyone my age does! And they practice with axes, too!

“I don't care what everyone else does.”

“And they go outside and have battles and play war!”

“Kee, we have discussed this. You don't need that. You are special. I am keeping you safe from-”

“It's not fair! I can't play with other children or touch real weapons and I can never go ANYWHERE! You treat me like a baby! I want to go outside!”

“You are too young,” Fíli shakes his head.  
  
“No, I'm NOT!”

Fíli had this same conversation before, long ago. Before. The start of everything that went wrong. Anger and regret bubble up. _He was not_ _ready_. _Why_ _did_ _I_ _let him? Could_ _I_ _have_ _stopped_ _him_?

“Do you want to end up like your father?!”

“Yes! Because he was more fun than YOU are!”

“Kee…”

“You talk about him all the time but I CAN'T be like him! I'm not allowed to climb trees or jump in the stream or even walk to the courtyard by myself! So how can I be like him?”

“Come here, Kee. Settle down. This is all for your own good,” Fíli reaches out to him. Like in his nightmares, he is just beyond grasp.

“NO! I wish he was here and not you,” he jerks away from Fíli’s hand. “Let me go! I hate you!”

Fíli’s whole world crashes down with three words.

“I wish he was here in my place, too,” Fíli whispers.

He walks away, leaving Kee to his outrage. His outward appearance displays a cold numbness, but inside he is aching. It hurts more than any physical pain he could imagine.

 _I_ _hate_ _you_. It reverberates through his bones. He lost his brother, it was his fault. Now his nephew, the only thing left that matters, wishes he was gone. _Failure_.

His entire life, working to make others safe and satisfied, was a failure. It was foolish to think he could fix it, or that he was worth anything to anyone. Fíli hates himself, and has ever since that day. The one reason he had to forget this fact now shares the same sentiment.

 _Let_ _me go_

He hears both of them ask it. He cannot separate the two voices, both of them asking for the impossible.

 _If_ _I had said no, would you still_ _be_ _here_? The question twists and gnaws at his heart, as always.

After a relapse into misery, an overwhelming urge for forgiveness immerses Fíli. Kee may hate him, but he has to be there for him. It will be difficult, knowing the once smiling face would now hold scorn for him. But he loves him, and always will.

 _I_ _can fix this_.

“Kee?” Fíli calls softly into his room.

He does not answer. He is not there.

“Stop the games. Where are you? Please?”

Fíli searches under the bed, behind the furniture. “Kíli, please. Kíli!”

He is gone. He has never run off before. The nightmares return and play out in his mind. The snow, the blood, the begging for him to come back….

Fíli knows where he is. It would have been easy to sneak out of the mountain. He is so small…and determined.

*****

It is growing dark, yet Kee has no plan, no idea where to go or how to get there. He only wants to escape and prove to his uncle that he is not too little, too young, too fragile.

He does not want to go back. It feels too good, to run without being told “no, slow down, stop.” He is free. The wind whips his face as he runs, stinging, but he welcomes it. His restless spirit finally hushes. No one understands. It is in his blood, he has to carry it.

He continues running toward an unknown end. The path begins to slope downward and he follows it blindly. Kee steps into the soft earth, unaware of the hidden trap.

Murky and black, it does not seem right. His foot sinks into the mud and he lifts it with enormous effort. Then the next foot, trudging through. He slips free of one boot that is stuck and attempts to go forward.

The next step lowers him further, past his knees, up to his waist. His legs are unable to budge, only his arms, and they struggle to grasp anything in sight. But there is nothing.

Up to his chest, up to his shoulders, panic rising in him faster than the mud. Kee’s arms are too heavy to move now. Up to his neck. He lifts his head and closes his mouth, resisting the urge to cough, or scream. He cannot yell for help, no one is there or knows where he is.

He shuts his eyes tight and waits for it to take him under, hoping it does not hurt too much.

 

 

When you sink to the bottom, it feels like rising up, Kee thinks.

 

 

“Kíli! Kíli, please. Please wake up.” Fíli pleads with a broken voice. _I_ _have done this before. It has all happened before. Why? What have I done_? He is powerless, and always was.

Fíli rocks the still body in his arms. _I_ _cannot lose you_ _again_. _Not again_.

“I failed you. I've done everything wrong. I tried to protect you. It is my fault.”

Kee is surprised to be alive. He is buried in Fíli’s embrace, unable to see his tears but he can hear them. The sorrow in his voice is shocking to Kee, but uncle must be very upset with him after all the trouble he caused. “It's not your fault,” he consoles, unheard.

“I tried to save you, Kíli. I did everything I could.” Kee does not know what he is talking about. Fíli is unsure who he is speaking to.

“But you did save me.”

“Kee?” Fíli glances down at his nephew in confusion. He holds him tighter. “You’re alive.”

 _Let_ _me_ _go_

Just one voice he hears now. Kíli. It is not a plea to join, not an angry demand, but a soft request. Understanding, with love and forgiveness in his tone.

 _Let me_ _go. It’s alright. I'm safe_ _now_.

“Forgive me. I should have let you go. I need to let go now. I have to.” Fíli is not sure whose forgiveness he is really asking, but it doesn't matter.

“You haven't let go yet, you're squeezing me very tight,” Kee gasps.

“Oh...I am sorry, I…” Fíli loosens his hold and wipes Kee’s wet hair from his face. “Don't ever run away again. I won't give you reason to...just...please?”

“I don't hate you, uncle. I didn't mean it. I'm sorry, I didn't-”

“I know, I know,” Fíli soothes him, “it’s alright. It will be different. I promise. I've been wrong, Kee. I should have trusted you.”

Kee nods and shakes mud from his shirt. “Cc-can we g-go home?” he shivers.

Both of them are crying now; Kee because he is cold and startled and has never felt this miserable before, Fíli because it still hurt, it always will. But there is relief now. He feels lighter. He will not have to carry the guilt anymore. Kíli would not want him to. Kee does not need him to.

“Yes. Let's go home.”

*****

“Kee, what did I tell you?”

Kee sighs in frustration.

“Always look before I shoot?”

"That is exactly right. Come on, don't be discouraged, you are doing great!”

Fíli hands him another arrow, made for his scale and size, especially for him. Along with a bow, which Fíli modeled after his brother’s favorite. Kee was ecstatic (“This is mine? And I can use it?!”), and now pours his whole heart and unwavering energy into his training.

“Here, try again. Look straight ahead. Take a second to focus before you let go.”

Kee pauses, draws back, and shoots, his stance nearly perfect.

“Damn, that was impressive!”

“Did I hit it?”

“Looks like it. Why don't you go and see?”

Kee dashes into the tree line. He enjoys his new freedoms, and the trust Fíli places in him, as long as he is cautious. He promised to “think first and use caution.” He agrees with these valuable rules. The world IS dangerous, he discovered that on his own, and he has a lot to learn yet.

The target was met, right in the center. He pulls the arrow out and runs back to Fíli, practically skipping with joy.

“I hit it, I hit it!”

“I knew it! You are a natural.”

“Well, we've been practicing a lot.”

“You didn’t get it from me. There is only one other who had a shot like that at such a young age. He would be very proud of you.”

Kee’s eyes light up, along with his inherited smile. He would be proud! They are both proud of him!

“We’ll continue tomorrow. It's getting late and we're expected,” Fíli begins to pack up. “Here, hold this for a second,” he hands Kee one of his swords.

“It's heavy!”

“You can do it.” Fíli guides him along to get a good grip. Out of habit, he keeps watch to make sure he has a firm hand on it, but then releases his hold. Kee is left standing, on his own, balancing the blade.

“See, you've got it! You are stronger than you know.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
